I have had another awesome weekend. Spent with none other than my girls and of course my other D's 21st birthday party. Think I laughed a little too much and forgot a quarter of the things that happened later in the night.

I don't get myself at times. I am surrounded by a group of lovely people and good things but I feel slightly miserable right now. It's like there's something missing. Okay I know what's missing but I refuse to say it out loud. I refuse to put myself out there and have myself disappointed even though I have this overwhelming urge to just do it.

Maybe when I have a little too much to drink and under the influence of alcohol I'll find myself the courage to disclose my heartfelt thoughts. Well until then, I am going to be miserable Dee (who is still gg to be laughing and smiling though simply cos it's so much easier faking happy)

I desperately needed this weekend. I caught up with my other person, my girls (don't worry AdeQ, I saved you a spot wherever we are!) and the sweetest guy friend anybody can ask for. You people are my Energizer batteries. You take me in when I am all battered, fix me up real good and keep me going.

It doesn't take much to make me feel happy you know. It's these little gestures I appreciate - to realize there is a bunch of people out there who I can always, always run back to for comfort and knowing that they're staying for good. I love little moments like these. It might not be a big thing for most of you, but it sure is to me.

You see there's a difference now.

I might feel a lot of things for a certain individual at the moment but I’m not throwing my whole life away, waiting and wishing. If it happens, it happens. Until it does, I am still going on my merry way and be at the happiest state in my life. I'm not giving up on him - I am just letting it fall freely in place. Just like how everything else does.

If it turns out great, I'll be the luckiest girl in the world. And if it doesn't, it's alright; life doesn't end at that instance. Maybe we are set for better things and better people. There’s always a reason for everything in life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I'll be okay, we will be okay, everything will be okay, maybe not now but eventually so why worry so much now?

A story I got from Le Love which I can relate to at the moment.

I was the exception. For years we've been best friends.. We once went 8 months without speaking because I confessed I had feelings for you and you were too afraid to admit yours.. What did I do? I hoped. I'd pass by you in school and we'd be complete strangers. How can two people who know so much about each other pretend they don't know each other at all? But still, I hoped. You made me cry and feel horrible about myself because I felt that I was holding on to something that was long gone... Yet still, I hoped. I held on to the memories, I held on to the sound of your laughter and the look you get just before you laugh.. I held on to all of that and I hoped for a miracle. Even if we were just friends, I hoped for that. Just when I was going to give up, I worked up the courage to ask you why.. And you told me you didn't understand why I still held on.. You didn't understand why I wouldn't just give up... And I told you.. I don't give up on people I love.. Even if I'm the last one standing, I would not give up on you. Ever...

We started talking again in February.. and it was different.. It was almost too good to be true.. My best friend asked me what spell I put on you.. I couldn't believe it because suddenly, you were at my doorstep at night when I was having a bad day.. When my phone would light up I knew.. I just knew it was you.. Everything was great.. but we were still just friends. Friends.. and the sad thing is, I know he loves me.. I know he has always loved me. I introduced him to my mother and when we were in the car she told me that he loves me. She just knew.. She felt it. Tell me, why wouldn't he tell me? Why wouldn't he open up? But I was patient.. Whatever, he's what I wanted.. I had my best friend back..

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. even when life give's you every reason to give up, remind yourself of the reasons you're still standing.. Yes, sometimes it's hard to stand up for someone who doesn't love you back.. But love is blind. Love is unconditional.. Actually, what is love? It's not something we feel in our heart or something we contemplate or try to understand in our brains.. It's the energy between two people.. That's love. Love is food! Love is family.. Love is friendship.. And that's what we need to stand up for.. We sit and complain about how life isn't fair and how we might never find love.. But we forget the most important thing: Everything turns out okay in the end.. If it's not okay, it's not the end. So what if the love of your life won't talk to you? So what? You can cry and you can worry but that won't make him see you for YOU. You are your best when you are HAPPY. Forget about them.. Forget and live to the fullest.. Find something you LOVE. And when they realize what they've lost, they'll come back... DON'T play "hard to get" unless you know deep down you really don't want them anymore. If they come back, accept them.. or forever regret what could have been..

I held on.. I never let go and I never gave up on him.. But I didn't let that keep me from living my life.. There were days when I felt like I couldn't get through, but I picked myself up and I smiled. And I got the love in the end.. I know he loves me.. and he has told me so.. He has finally FINALLY faced his fear of accepting what he feels.

My last note.. If you are afraid of showing someone how you feel, don't be.. Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? We are still at the beginning of our lives, there is so much more for us to live for! Life goes on.. Don't let fear hold you back and keep HOPING. Hope got me through the roughest times of my life.. And it will get me through all the others that are bound to come my way.. Don't be a coward, either.. Fear is merely a feeling, cowardice is a choice of action. Be the best you can be, and don't do things you might be ashamed of to live life with no regrets.

Honestly, I am just tired of trying to make this work. I give a lot of myself (emotionally) at the hotel and when I get home, I barely have any energy left to reply text messages or even catch up with people. I'm just sad and negative, and no one should have to be around me right now cos I feel like I'll just drown them with my misery.

I am so sick of trying to juggle everything and squeeze people in my schedule.

And I'm terribly disappointed in you.